I haven’t written in a long time.
I guess it seems as if I’m afraid to dig deep. Afraid of what may come to surface. Fear of what I may find out about myself. Fear of what others may find out about me. I mean writing is a very intimate process!
Sometimes, I guess, it can be the fact that I really don’t feel like being that damn deep. But its necessary. However, the main reason my not wanting to write brings to light an issue I have and I’m sure many others can attest. That issue is an issue with consistency.
A lack of consistency, I believe is a form of self sabotage. We want something so bad, but then we don’t feel as if we are worthy of having it. So to make sure we don’t get it, we do many big and little things to, simply put, Fuck it up. We’ll say things like: “hey I want to work out more,” then remember that nobody in the family is in shape, so why should you be? Or we’ll say “I’m really enjoying this new guy I am dating, but I wonder, why is he into me? Surely a guy like him can do better. I mean, I’m a great chick in all, but what does he see in me? From there you proceed to fuck it up.
AND I have a bad history of starting things and stopping because of some hidden fear. A fear so deep that I know its there, but I don’t know why or how. I guess on the bright side, it can be a matter of me finding what I am interested in and discarding the things I am not interested in. But at some point in life, you want to get really good at something. The consistency thing is what separates the real from the fake. It brings to surface the reason why there are fewer “successful” people or those individuals that are considered experts in their fields.
So how does one begin to heal the errors a lack of consistency brings, when all of our lives we lived by the procrastination code? Getting by with doing the least amount of work? How do we change something so destructive to our dreams when its so deeply embedded in us? I guess, awareness is a first step. When we can finally realize that it is our ass standing in our own way we can slowly move to the side. Nobody is holding us back. We are holding ourselves back trying to bring old negative beliefs into new positive situations. Those old beliefs of someone telling us that we’re stupid or that you can’t do something. That follows us. But you don’t have to become those things. You talk to yourself all day. What are you saying? Better yet, what are you listening to? You want to follow your dreams and yet you pay more attention to the negative thoughts that are no longer true. You are not stupid, incompetent, just a woman, just a mom, too young, too black, not black enough, a slut, too broke, etc or whatever the hell you tell yourself. Listen to yourself and seek your truth. Your dreams are waiting for you!