I am always sitting around and thinking hard, so this past weekend, my mind was spinning with epiphanies.
I realized that I never really did things for myself or somewhere along the way, self-care was put on the back burner. I discussed this in my last blog post, but I still have a desire to write about it. Another thing I realize is that I have a chameleon like personality. Meaning that whatever environment I am in, I adapt to it. Which can be a good thing, but on the other hand, not so much. I am an Empath. I take on others feelings and moods and adopt them as my own. I especially noticed this with the men in my life. Whatever their personality is, I take on bits and pieces of it. And not in a “yes girl” sort of way, but just that I feel feelings so deeply, that it is hard not to flow unto me. So can you guess what happens here? Oh lets see: Loss of identity. When you become so intertwined with someone else, you kinda lose sight of the things that interest you and your goals. You are stuck up under bae, while your goals are collecting dust. I honestly don’t know why this happens. Maybe it is an insecurity I have that needs to be addressed, but addressed it is.
Also, I realized this weekend as I spoke with a friend is that we wasted so much of our 20’s being boy crazy. Wondering when we would get “chose.” Just craving that male attention because of a void that so desperately needed to be filled. We should have filled it on our own. There is no way in the world the idea of whether a guy liked me or not should have consumed my inner workings most urgently. In my early twenties friends were: Baby mommas, myself included, being cheated on and taking him back, cosigning for things, and on and on and on. And this is not to diss relationships! Relationships are beautiful things. I’m just making an observation of how young we were and worried about the wrong things. Men do not worry about the things that we worry about. As little girls we would imagine our wedding and our dress. We would do anything to get to the point and almost anyone fits that bill as long as they show some sort of promise.
I am getting away from this. I want to care, but I also want to care more about the person who has been down for me forever and forever will be. The person who always has my back and is always there. That person is my damn self. It is imperative to put yourself first. How can you truly love and care for others from an empty well? It is time to replenish myself, so I can care for others.