“Who do you think you are?”
“Why would you even try to do that?”
“You know no one else has succeeded in doing this, right? And besides, they are smarter than you?”
“Why would he want me? I mean, I’m cute and fine, but I got a lil baggage that needs to be unloaded.”
Welcome to my mind. I once read that there is no enemy on the outside if the enemy within is handled. Meaning that you can be your own worst enemy if you listen to your doubts. I am sure those doubts have been the demise of many dreams. In my life, I can trace insecurity back to about 4 years old. I was in Pre-K, and we were getting ready for the Christmas recital and momma I was gon sing! I told my mom that I needed to get dressed and be at the church because I was singing in the play. In true diva manner, we arrive at the church late and the program had already started. I am panicking and walk up to my teacher and said I am ready to sing. She said “Robinette, you are not in the play honey.” The next thing I know I am being rushed to the bathroom from having an epic meltdown. I was soooo mortified!
Ok, so yes I did not practice but she could have let me sing lol! But all jokes aside, that was a turning point in my life because from there, I began seeing myself as less than. I remember that day like yesterday and the affect it had on me. I had to watch them on stage singing their lil asses off and I was in the pew, pissed. I began to see myself as second best. They were better than me. Although this may seem insignificant, you must understand that a lot of who you are is already formed by age 6. Your mind is a sponge until this age and you are incapable of filtering good beliefs about yourself from bad beliefs about yourself. You just take it as is. Many people are operating from the beliefs they had about themselves from 6 years and have never questioned that their precious minds didn’t give them the best thoughts about self.
So from this, I would go through the next dozen plus years seeing myself as way less than what was true. I see myself less than what others said and would question their compliments. I never thought that I was smart or anything, yet I’d acquired a Masters Degree by age 25 as a single mother. Yes, many people would say I am pretty gorgeous or whatever but I would look to others who I thought were prettier and compare myself. Or just simply being intimidated by others. Not ever in a jealous way, but more so in a way of “how does this person see me and think of me?”
WTF?! Yes, it was that bad. And I should have been asking myself that. My insecurities would cause me to get into things that were less than best. But when you don’t think highly of yourself, you think that THAT is the best. It’s so sad and it’s a sad place to be. I’ve always had a soft spot for people who struggle with not knowing who they are and or look to others for validation. As they say, “if you live for others acception, you will die from their rejection.” And if that is the case, I have perished more than a Walking Dead zombie lol. Just that craving of do you see me? Do I matter to you? Am I important to you, when I should have been all of those things for myself. When you don’t come from a place of strength in who you are, you unwillingly invite disrespect in your life. It can come in the form of disrespectful bosses or coworkers, rude family or significant others who treat you less than you deserve. And its not that you deserve less-than treatment or that good treatment isn’t possible . It’s just that you don’t think it’s possible for you.
The road to healing insecurities is a long one. And please don’t feel alone, it is more common than you think. Many bishes is walking around insecure. But being aware that you are is the first step. Many have tried cognitive therapy. For others, daily meditation, keeping a gratitude journal or reciting positive affirmations works.
I hope for more people to work to overcome their insecurities. That’s how we can accomplish great things.